Why is there a Salt n Peppa video on an article about political matters? Because I pulled a Kansas City shuffle. Or I couldn't decide between a Salt n Peppa vs Shakespearean themed title. There goes my career in copywriting!
Anyway, I was reading an article that was written by a woman stating how she doesn't orgasm during her primary sexual encounters with men.
I was intrigued by this since most articles geared towards women are suggestions on how to accept your body/orgasm better/tips for better sex. Don't get me wrong, some of these articles are positive and meant to be helpful. The overwhelming majority though...yeesh.
Reading the article I was pleased that she expressed that while she enjoyed sex, it still wasn't a guarantee that she would orgasm. And more importantly, she was fine with that. There's a lot more that goes into sexual fulfillment than how many orgasms you can accrue. I think that in western society androcentrism is the norm and that sadly gets applied to sex. The male sexual response is often substituted for the female one and misunderstandings pop up.
After reading the article I was left with a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I couldn't quite place a finger on. This feeling was exacerbated by reading the warring factions that appeared in the comment section. Even worse, I found myself agreeing with both at the exact same time. Was this a mental battle between the patriarchal upbringing that I had versus the womanist lifestyle that I'm trying to embrace? I found myself rereading the article and stopping at the sections that merely gave me pause before. Suddenly it dawned on me!
It was the combination of her communication skills and passivity in her own sexual experience. Reading the article, the author wouldn't bring up her experience at all unless prompted.
He told me, “First you’re gonna cum, then I’m gonna cum.” And I laughed. He did not look pleased.
“I mean, you can try, but I’m not going to. I just don’t cum the first time with someone.” I said it matter-of-factly. It’s my body, I know what’s going to happen. But the look on his face changed.
“Is that right?” He smirked. “We’ll just see about that.”
Pardon me, Dudebro #1? Ick. Seriously, don't use your sexual partner as masturbatory tool for your ego. This isn't a boss battle between the sheets, you're not suppose to show off your amazing prowess to the detriment of your partner's experience. Stop making this solely about you. That being said, if I was the other half of this conversation...look we'd have to pump the brakes here. Let's make something crystal clear here, I can still enjoy having sex with you without an orgasm. I want to have a fun time with you but I'm not going to put on a song and dance to satisfy your pride. Oh, guess what you guise? Spoiler alert! The sex was bad.
We had sex. I didn’t cum. Neither did he. We didn’t have sex again.
Let us fastforward to Dudebro #2.
The following spring, some friends and I were out at the college bars, including a different crush of mine. He and I ended up going back to his place that night. We were having sex, it was a bit awkward for me, his sex face was really funny, when he stopped and said, “I want to make you cum.”
I said, “I usually don’t.” Just a fact.
I'm no sexual expert and I admit communication isn't my strong point. But mid coitus seems like a really bad time to say you're not going orgasm. I get that he brought it up but she has a sucky delivery. Based on the limited information of this article it seems that all she's comfortable expressing is that she won't cum.
He took it as a challenge. So he tried different positions, different methods. Still nothing. He tried so hard, it started feeling like a jackhammer and I had to make him stop.
He came. I didn’t. We didn’t have sex again.
What bothers me is again she seems so goddamn passive in this. I want to clarify the previous statement, I don't think that she should've put renewed effort into trying to orgasm. At best that experience with him sounded unpleasant, but much more likely uncomfortable bordering on painful. Press pause. Tell him you're not enjoying yourself. If he keeps it up(no pun intended) then he's going to pull out and ship out.
The good news is there's a silver lining in all of this. She hooked up with another cutie patootie. Her experience had the same start as the others, until she actually explained(once again mid coitus but still) and had a great experience.
She ends the article with this:
I know my body, and I know what makes it tick. I’m never gonna cum from penetration alone (sorry to burst your bubble, bros). It’s going to take a bit of time and effort to get me there, which takes trust. My challenge isn’t my orgasm—I can handle that on my own. My challenge, guys, is trust.
Its great that you know yourself well enough to say what will and won't work for you in the sack. Knowledge isn't enough though, you're an autonomous person who has to play an active role in your experiences. If it takes trust for you to be able to let go, then a big part of being able to trust someone is expressing your needs and wants.